


A Hobbit in Minas Tirith

by transmeriadoc



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Found Family, Friendship, Grad School AU, Hobbits, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Modern AU, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Male Character, aromantic merry, asexual merry, asexual pippin, gay pippin, supportive friends, supportive hobbits, trans merry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:20:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26038588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transmeriadoc/pseuds/transmeriadoc
Summary: Merry Brandybuck is a trans, ace, and possibly aro (he's still questioning) hobbit looking to study in the humanities department at the University in Minas Tirith. Far from home and missing the hobbit-y comforts of the Shire, he comes across the only other hobbit at the University--Pippin and the two decide to become roommates. (Just a heads up--characterizations are based more on the books than the movie)
Relationships: Frodo Baggins & Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck & Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck & Theoden, Merry Brandybuck & Éowyn, Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1 Shishi (Thursday sundown-Friday sundown)

Merry was just returning from a long day at the library. The school year hadn’t even started yet, but he already felt behind on all the reading he was supposed to be doing for his independent study with Professor Boromir in the Fall. As he put his keys on the little hook in the corkboard next to reminders written in black sharpie, he saw his housemate, Pippin, sitting at the kitchen counter. “Hey Pippin. How’re you doing?” There was a silence for just long enough for Merry to wonder if it would have been best if he hadn't said anything. Finally, Pippin looked up from his computer: “Well you’re back early!” Merry scoffed and glanced at his phone which now showed “9:30”.

  
Suddenly, Merry caught a black shape out of the corner of his eye. It came swiftly up to him and butted its head against the boy’s shin.

“Aww who's my baby girl? Huh?!” Merry cooed at the shadowy shape. It was a black cat with a long, thin tail that entwined itself around Merry’s other leg. He leaned down to pet her.

“Ohh...Peony doesn’t get nearly as excited when I come home!” Pippin complained light-heartedly.

“That’s because she’s not your cat!” Merry replied in kind.

“So what have you been up to” asked Merry who was more looking for some human interaction after a day of study in the Rock, what the students called the large Brutalist-style library on campus, than for an answer to his query.

“Well I’ve just been putting together this data from my recent fieldwork. It’s a pain to figure out this spreadsheet and I’m still very new to coding…”

“What was the field work?”

“Basically this week we tested the PH of the water and searched for Mayflies and other insects to help determine the relative health of the streams in Gondor County.”

“That sounds awesome!” exclaimed Merry, feeling in awe of his friend. But his pride in Pippin was mixed with a painful reminder--he felt his humanities studies weren’t nearly as important for helping the world. Just as his feelings of self-doubt were taking hold Pippin asked:

“And what have you been studying?”

“Oh, I’m just starting researching trans and non-binary genders in early 3rd age Rohan. I found some interesting letters today that mention afab folks who dressed differently from the norm at the time and who fought alongside the men. They don’t use the term trans because that term didn’t exist back then, but it’s still very interesting to see that those subcultures existed…” He trailed off. “Sorry, I’m talking your ear off” He added bashfully.

“No, you’re good, you’re good,” Pippin reassured.

“Thanks” Merry smiled. “Anyway I should probably go take a shower, I’m all stiff from leaning over a desk all day”  
Pippin nodded and turned back to his laptop.

Merry made his way to his room with his little black shadow close behind. Dropping his messenger bag on the floor, Merry’s mind began to fill with anxieties from the day. Was he rude when he briefly ran into Professor Gandalf? He was fond of Gandalf and would hate to have insulted him (though in what way specifically, he did not know).

Deciding there was nothing for it and after one last pet on Peony’s head, Merry took off his yellow t-shirt and his white jean shorts and walked into his bathroom. Merry looked at his chest in the mirror both marvelling at it and feeling ashamed of its scrawniness and of his weirdly-shaped nipples. Or, at least, he thought they looked weird. The boy worried that he had messed something up in his post-surgery care--though he had followed the surgeon’s instructions to the letter. Shrugging his self-doubt off in order to get on with the task at hand, Merry threw on the hot water and jumped in.

After he had gotten dressed, Merry returned to the kitchen/living room where Pippin was beginning to cook dinner. It hit Merry that once again he had neglected to eat dinner while he was out (though, who could afford it?)

“Don’t worry, I’m making plenty enough for both of us,” said Pippin guessing Merry’s concern.

“Anything I can do to help?”

“If you could dice those onions, that would be great. You’re a lot better at that than me”

After dinner, the pair sat together and relaxed--scrolling on their devices, occasionally breaking the silence by showing each other something particularly outrageous or funny. There was a fire in the hearth and Peony was lying in front of it. She flicked her tail to and fro thoughtfully. After a while, Merry got up and announced he was going to bed.

Pippin stayed up for a couple more hours. He was messaging his friend Frodo whom he missed dearly. It was lovely living with Merry, but between his courseload, labwork, and being the only hobbit in the Sciences department, Pippin felt incredibly isolated. His friend Frodo was staying in Rivendell with his friend Sam (though Pippin guessed there was something else going on between the two that wasn't platonic).

Frodo was telling Pippin all about his studies with Elrond and the other Elves and how his Elvish was coming along. Frodo and Sam decided to set out for Rivendell to not only to study Elvish and Elf customs, but to take a break from the ever-changing and turbulent world of Men. The pair had been through unspeakable events in the past year and were in need of some space and mental health healing that only the beauty of Rivendell could provide. Around 3 AM Gondor time, Frodo (for whom it was a few hours earlier) convinced Pippin to go to bed. Despite some protestations, Pippin agreed and immediately fell asleep there on the couch.

~~~~~~

Merry was awoken by the obnoxiously loud music of an ice cream truck parked outside their building. Who wants ice cream first thing in the morning in September, he thought. Though Merry looked at his phone and realized it wasn't quite the first thing in the morning. Well...still wouldn't want ice cream now anyway. Slowly, he got up, wrapped himself in his grey, soft blanket and made his way to the kitchen. Pippin was still asleep, snoring quietly on the couch. Merry’s heart filled with warmth seeing his dear friend so at peace. As quietly as he could manage (which was very quiet indeed) the boy set to making coffee.

Merry preferred to drink coffee slowly and quietly while sitting on the balcony. He was careful to make sure Peony didn’t get out of course. It was a comfortable temperature out for once. He could see the Fields of Pelennor. The sun was high and there were rounded, fluffy clouds occasionally blocking out the bright blue canvas of sky. He missed the Shire where he had grown up and remembered with a deep sense of loss that he may never be able to return there again. His parents were highly abusive, cruel and manipulative. He couldn’t chance living there again for fear of running into them. Still, he was happy to have made it out of that situation alive and for now a distant view of Pelennor and the many walls of Minas Tirith would have to do. He at least found great comfort in the tree next to the balcony. It felt like a good friend, and he was thankful for the privacy it provided and the occasional visits from birds and squirrels. Merry pondered the fern-like, chartreuse leaves: I wonder what kind of tree it is. Pippin would know.

Then Eowyn came knocking at the door: “Come Merry! It’s time to go riding.”

Merry ran to the door: “Shh Shh you’ll wake him up”

“Well I should hope so! It’s 1 o’clock” she exclaimed.

Pippin muttered something, turned over and fell back asleep.

“Are you all ready to go?”

“Ehhh..just a minute. Sorry. Do you mind hanging out a sec? I need to get dressed first,” he said quietly and bounded off to his room. Eowyn sat in the chair by the door. She was a tall woman with radiant golden hair and cloudy grey-green eyes. On her feet were black riding boots and in her hand was a helmet.

Merry was still very new to horseback riding but he loved it all the same. He had learned to jump (or, rather, step) over logs on the ground and today he hoped to begin with some real jumps. Throwing on jeans and a grey shirt with pink and yellow stars and planets on it, Merry grabbed his things and left the house with Eowyn.

The two had met each other the year before at the University’s lgbtq organization’s meeting. Since then, Eowyn had convinced Merry to give horseback riding a try after he had watched her compete a few times. It was rather unusual for hobbits to ride as they were thought to be too small. And anyway it just wasn’t done in the Shire. But Merry wanted to learn and his instructor, Theoden, though doubtful at first, took the boy under his wing.

The two students came up to the stable. “Hellooo!” called a disembodied voice. Then Theoden came out of the tack room. He was a middle aged man with tied back blond hair and a kind face. He was carrying a saddle.

“Already to go then? Meriadoc, I set up some low jumps for you to try today.” Merry couldn’t wait. He went to his usual horse’s stall. There was Sorin, a small, part Arabian horse with white fur and tan dappling. For a while the boy pet Sorin’s soft velvety nose. After a strong pat on the neck, Merry led the horse out of the stable. He then significantly shortened the stirrups and, using a step stool, mounted the horse.

Merry and Eowyn shared the ring. After briefly warming up with a couple laps of walking and trotting, Eowyn began to work on cantering while Merry joined Theoden in the center of the ring.

“Now, let’s start off with this low jump here. Remember to keep focused and looking forward. The horse can tell if you don’t think you will make it or if you are distracted and looking to the side.”

Merry nodded. He took a firm hold of the reins and then lightly kicked Sorin to go forward. Moving to a trot, they quickly came upon the jump. It was about a couple feet high but it might as well have been ten as far as the hobbit was concerned. The horse slowed to a walk and went around the jump. Merry was ashamed. He didn’t want to admit he was nervous even to himself but clearly the horse could tell.

They made their way back to the instructor. “Guess I can’t hide anything from you, Sorin,” joked Merry trying not to show how dejected he was. “Sorry,” he added, about to try to explain himself.

“That’s alright, lad, that’s alright. Just try it again. I know you can do it.”

Merry was taken aback. He wasn’t used to being encouraged and certainly not after such a glaring failure. If his mother were here she would have launched into a whole sermon about how incompetent and lazy he was and how it was his fault he couldn’t do anything right and why couldn’t he be more like Eowyn.

Merry grasped firmly the reins again and looked forward with determination. Sorin trotted forward and they came upon the jump. Merry was still scared but he refused to let Theoden’s confidence in him be for nothing. He leaned forward and Sorin leaped over the jump. Merry smiled as they circled back to Theoden.

“Excellent! That was very good form. Want to try again?”

~~~~~

The stable was on a hill looking out over the plains and the mountains of Mordor. After practice, Merry liked to sit on top of the hill and smoke his pipe. The sky had grown a lighter and more pastel blue with wispy grey-white clouds streaking through the sky. Merry guessed it was about 5 o’ clock and that he really should head back home to eat something soon. But it was so serene here.

He could see other riders jumping and circling the ring. There was Eowyn with her beautiful roan horse whose coat shone like white lights bouncing off the black sea. Merry also recognized the white helmet of Eomer, Theoden’s most advanced pupil. Merry took a drag of the pipe and looked out towards the mountains. They were various shades of blue, indigo, and purple. Merry felt at home with mountains. They made him feel small and like everything was very vast. There was a feeling of intense loneliness. But also of love. He could feel it like a tightness and an eternal void deep in his chest.

Suddenly the boy was aware that someone was walking towards him. There came Theoden striding up the hill. “How are you doing, my dear? Mind if I join you for a moment?”

  
“Please!” Merry replied. Theoden sat down and looked out over the hill, to the stables and beyond.

“How have you been outside of riding?” he asked. Merry was surprised to be asked but happy answered:

“I’ve been alright. Though it has been a little difficult...adjusting to life in Minas Tirith. I’m not really a city person and I’ve never lived with a friend before. It’s not bad, it’s just all very new. I’m homesick for the Shire and even for my parents though I can’t talk to them anymore…” he trailed off, wondering if perhaps he had shared too much.

“Have you been able to write them or maybe plan to visit them?” Theoden suggested.

“I tried to keep in contact with them after I...left, but I always felt so unsafe when I did. I would try to open up to them by talking about things they liked, but they always were just angry with me. And if I told them anything about myself, I just found that same information being thrown back at me in anger later. Eventually I moved out of the Shire all together and although they have asked many times, I haven’t told them where I’ve gone. Once in a while I do send a message either to them or a relative, just so they know I’m alive…anyway…”

Theoden took in everything Merry said thoughtfully as he spoke. When the boy was finished, he sat for a while in thought. Finally he looked up and gestured to put his arms around Merry’s shoulders.

“May I?” he asked. Merry hardly choked out a “yes” and Theoden pulled him into a big hug. Merry hugged him tightly back and began crying.


	2. There for Each Other

**Friday Night**

Merry made his way up the long, winding street. He was still touched by his teacher’s kindness. It made him feel a new sensation of warmth in his chest and his face that was yellow and bright orange like autumn leaves. As Merry passed by the flower shop, he noticed its purple and green awning looked particularly inviting; however, Merry remembered that it was getting on towards six and he hadn’t eaten since breakfast around noon. Often he’d stop to look at the plants but since he didn’t feel confident in his cat’s ability to not eat them, he only ever enjoyed them in the shop. 

Finally, the boy came upon his side street. It was lined with plane trees with knobbled trunks and mottled bark each with branches stretching out to greet one another. Merry realized he was excited to see Pippin. He turned and came upon his front door (the front half of the apartment was on the ground floor while the back overlooked Minas Tirith as it was on a steep incline). 

“AAAAAh noooooo” came Pippin’s voice. 

“Mroooooow!” replied a very unhappy cat. 

The fire alarm was beeping at a deafening volume. Curious, mortified, and slightly amused, Merry opened the door. There was Pippin standing on a chair trying to turn off the smoke detector. Peony was nowhere to be found. A cloud of white smoke shrouded the room. 

“You alright?” Merry called. 

“G-d damn it, this stupid fire alarm has no business going off!" Pippin shouted over the din. 

“Well, there’s certainly a lot of smoke in here.” 

“There _is?_ ”

With that, Merry let out a quick sigh, made it over to the kitchen in what seemed like one leap and deftly took whatever was burning in Pippin’s pan off the stove. 

Pippin came down from the chair after he’d turned off the alarm. He was half expecting some quip about how foolish he always was. But Merry just turned to him wide-eyed and blinked in disbelief as if he was still processing all that just happened. Then Merry turned to open the kitchen window to let out the smoke. 

“It’s not my fault you know,” Pippin began miserably.

“I didn’t say anything…But what’d you do to Peony?” Merry asked, walking to the hallway to look for her. 

“Nothing!” Pippin called out defensively. Merry turned to him expectantly. “Oh alright, I stepped on her tail when the alarm went off” Merry didn’t respond and instead went directly to his room and found Peony hiding under the bed. 

“It’s alright baby, I’m here! It’s ok,” he cooed. But the cat refused to be convinced, staring at him with her green eyes and lashing her tail. Merry left her alone to calm down and turned back to the kitchen. _I_ still _need to eat something despite all this_ nonsense _going on._

Pippin had set to making dinner again. Merry didn’t know what to eat, all he knew was he was too hungry to think. He opened the fridge and stared into it. Then he closed it suddenly and peered into the cabinet instead. Pippin had noticed that his friend tended to skip meals and seemed to have a hard time around the concept of food in general. He never bought groceries until he was completely out of them. He pretty much survived on cereal and milk.

It wasn’t that he had no skill in cooking--Pippin noticed how quickly he picked up the knife techniques he had taught him. Especially when he was helping Pippin prepare a meal. But in the end, when it came to making food for himself, there was always some kind of resistance. Pippin looked at his friend who had pulled out a bowl and a box of cheerios. 

“Here, let me make you something. I owe you as much after stepping on your cat and all,” Pippin offered quickly. Merry looked up from his box. 

“What? No, don’t worry about that” 

“I insist! Besides what have you had today other than coffee and cereal?” Merry stood silently for a moment then looked down.

“It’s settled then,” replied Pippin, feeling a bit proud of himself.

Merry was ashamed for needing his friend’s help. 

“Anything I can do?” he asked hesitantly. 

“Nope, I’m quite alright for now. If I need you to stop a fire again though, I’ll let you know,” Pippin laughed. Merry stepped towards his room, feeling as though he had been asked to leave or deemed incompetent. But at the same time, he _did_ feel incompetent and he _did_ need help. He didn’t know what he did to deserve it, but he appreciated Pippin’s thoughtfulness very much. He turned back to his friend. 

“Thank you, Pippin. It’s really hard for me to make food for myself and even harder for me to eat. So...thanks for looking out for me.” Pippin smiled while swirling something in a bowl. 

“No problem!” he responded. “I care about you and want you to feel good.” Merry smiled and turned quickly away but not before Pippin saw tears start to well up in his eyes. He was determined to make the tastiest meal Merry had had in a long time. 

**Saturday morning**

Merry enjoyed having a bed to himself. Peony would sometimes snuggle with him when he first lay down to sleep or in the morning. On some level, though, Merry missed the feeling of safety and belonging he got from sleeping next to someone. It had been almost a year since his girlfriend, Jamie, had broken up with him. It was funny because he had spent a decent amount of the relationship fantasizing about leaving her. But once it finally happened, he wasn’t prepared. 

He missed resting his head on her chest and putting his arms around her as they slept. To tell the truth, Merry didn’t know if he ever wanted another relationship or not. There was something about being in them that set him into fight or flight mode. For the duration of the relationship. No wonder he didn’t feel like himself during them. But doubt filled his mind: _is it just because of my trauma with abusive relationships?_

Merry knew that he always wanted the closeness of an intense friendship marked by fierce loyalty and love. And that in the past, once he felt such a pull to a person, he’d end up feeling like the next logical step would be to enter a romantic and sexual relationship with that person. He had no choice if he wanted to be that close to someone. Or, at least, that’s what he always thought. Dating seemed the only way to get people to stay. 

Lately, Merry had heard tell here and there of something called being aromantic. It had come up in passing a few times at the university’s lgbtq organization. But he didn’t want to be that. _It’s bad enough I don’t want to have sex with people. Do I have to be wrong about this too?_

After pondering all this, Merry felt it was high time to actually get up and start the day. It was Shabbat, so there wasn’t really anything he should _do_ today, but eating breakfast was still a (begrudged) requirement. Merry walked quietly by Pippin’s room and came into the kitchen. 

For once Pippin wasn’t asleep on the couch and Merry wondered when he would get up as it was already noon. Merry silently hoped that Pippin might want to hang out with him today. He was used to feeling unwanted by Jamie and she would get upset if he suggested an outing, so his hopes weren’t very high. Regardless, it was a perfect day to sit out on the balcony and enjoy some coffee. 

Once outside, Merry could hear the chirping of sparrows as well as the sounds of the city. Being Shabbat, it was much quieter than it usually would be at noon, but Merry could still hear the sounds of a plane overhead and a few cars and motorbikes which were somehow the loudest of all. Merry was thankful it was Shabbat. It had been a long week. 

It seemed that he spent half his days in the library and the other half cleaning the apartment and just doing the necessary dirty work of making sure life ran smoothly. Merry loathed this kind of busy work most of all. He didn’t want to email his advisor, he didn’t want to get the fridge fixed, he didn’t want to go grocery shopping, he didn’t want to call the pharmacy for the fourth time to make sure his Testosterone prescription had gone through. He just wanted to read his books, write, ride horses, and hang out with his friends. 

Merry suddenly felt silly for mentally complaining about all these things, even though no one was around to hear it. He half worried that G-d Themself would be angry with him. For not being grateful enough for what he had. Merry didn’t love this relationship he had with G-d. He thought it seemed suspiciously like his relationship with his mother. And as far as he knew, there was nothing in the Torah or the teachings of the rabbis that would support the existence of such a relationship (or, really, for the existence of G-d all together, though that thought _also_ filled Merry with fresh guilt and a feeling of being watched and judged). 

~~~~~

Pippin was just waking up from a cozy dream. He half opened his eyes and saw Peony sitting before him, tail wrapped around her paws. She was staring intensely at him. “Up to our judginess a little early, aren’t we?” he half-scolded her. Peony flicked her tail and continued to look at him, clearly nonplussed. Pippin closed his eyes and thought about what he wanted to do today. Coming up blank, the boy reached for his phone and checked his messages. 

There was a sweet message from Frodo. And the pictures he posted of the dinner he made last night were fairly popular. He was glad to hear from his friends even if it was just a like on one of his creations. He scrolled through and saw some pictures of lovely handwriting that Frodo often posted. Rosie and her siblings had gone for a day trip to the Sea. Even Bilbo was sharing some photos of his most recent trip to the Lonely Mountain. Pippin felt sad. He really wanted to travel. He was sick of being cooped up in boring old Minas Tirith. 

Finally, the boy realized he was quite hungry and made his way to the kitchen. Merry was sitting outside on the balcony. He was looking out and seemed deep in thought and hadn’t noticed that Pippin had woken up. Pippin set to making an omelet. He didn’t hold with coffee like his roommate, but enjoyed a hot cup of green tea instead. 

As he ate, he thought about Gandalf, his Organic Chemistry professor. Pippin was about to enter his second year of graduate school and as such this would be his first semester assistant teaching. This was all fine with Pippin. Except he had been assigned to assist Gandalf in his Introduction to Environmental Science class. 

_I can hardly stand one class with him_ , Pippin thought, _how am I supposed to endure being his assistant_?” Gandalf was an enigmatic figure in the Science Department. He would sometimes disappear for weeks, forcing his teaching assistants to cover for him with no notice. He also had a habit of not explaining his full thoughts to the other members of the department, but Saruman the Chair seemed to manage the department perfectly well despite the wizard’s secrecy. 

To make matters worse, Gandalf seemed to have a particular chip on his shoulder about Pippin. The boy was one of the finest students in the department despite being a year young for his grade. Perhaps the professor was pushing his pupil because he knew he could handle it. _I wish people wouldn't do that_ , lamented Pippin, _why when I’m already doing so well do they keep having to raise the bar?_ This was really all too much to Pippin. The more he thought about it, the more he became convinced that he wouldn’t be able to make it through the semester, much less the year. 

Suddenly the room felt very small and like it was circling rapidly around him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. To make matters worse, his heart started pounding out of his chest. Time seemed to stand still. 

He wanted to call out to Merry for help but he couldn’t make words come out of his mouth. Pippin could move his arms though and without really knowing what he was doing he threw a pencil that was on the counter at the sliding door. It made a quiet _dink_ sound and clattered to the floor. Merry heard the sound and turned around, getting up to look through the door. He could see Pippin holding his head in his hands. Concerned, Merry came back into the house. 

“You alright?” he asked. Pippin nodded his head “no”. Merry sat down next to his friend. He didn’t really know what to do but he knew Pippin needed him now. 

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s ok. Do you want to talk about it?” Pippin nodded his head again. Merry tried to think of what could be wrong. It was unlike Pippin to be so silent. Finally, Merry perceived what was going on. 

“Here, let’s try this breathing technique together: breathe out for 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8, in 1 2 3 4, hold it 1 2 3 4 5 6 7, out 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8” Merry repeated the set several times.

Pippin started to look a little better. His face wasn’t as pale as it had been earlier and it seemed to do him good to focus on Merry’s breathing exercise. 

“There you go,” Merry encouraged, smiling gently. Pippin was still not feeling well but he was feeling better. 

“Was having a panic attack,” he faltered. 

“It’s alright,” Merry comforted, “they just go away with time, we just have to wait it out”. 

The “we” in that sentence hit Pippin. He didn’t realize before that Merry had committed to helping him with this. “Anything I can do that would help?” Merry offered. Pippin hesitated, thinking about what he really needed in this moment. 

“Could you...would you mind if I held your hand?” he asked quietly. 

“Sure” said Merry and he stretched out his hand. Pippin took it and gave it a weak squeeze. He used his other hand to hold up his head as the room was still spinning. They sat there for a while in silence. 

Merry was happy to be able to help his friend. So often it was Pippin who was helping him. Merry had had his fair share of panic attacks and had spent all of them alone. He didn’t want anyone to have to go through that, least of all Pippin. 

After about twenty minutes the room stopped spinning. Pippin sat up and pulled his hand back. Merry waited for his friend to say something or indicate what he wanted to do. 

“Well, now I’m hungry again!” and with that Pippin stood up and began foraging around the kitchen. Merry laughed. After Pippin had eaten some yogurt with granola he was feeling much more himself again. 

“Thanks for helping me through that Merry!” Pippin said cheerfully,“It meant a lot.”

“Oh you’re-you’re welcome” Merry stammered putting his hand behind his head. 


	3. An Afternoon Hike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place immediately after the last chapter.

Merry went to get dressed and brush his teeth. Pippin sat looking out the window.  _ A fine start to my morning  _ he thought. After about 15 minutes, Merry came over, standing in the doorway between the living room/kitchen and the short hallway to their bedrooms. 

“I was wondering...would you like to go hiking today?” he asked, half expecting to get shot down. 

“Would I?! Oh yeah, I’d love to” Pippin exclaimed. The boy thought it was a splendid idea. He was really feeling claustrophobic surrounded by Minas Tirith’s many walls. Merry breathed a sigh of relief, thankful for his friend’s reaction. That’s one of the things he liked best about Pippin--he was always down for just about anything and he made everything fun. 

“Alright, then where should we go?” prompted Pippin who had started pacing excitedly around the room. Merry hadn’t thought of that yet. He hadn’t really expected to get this far. 

“Umm, we could take the train to the foothills of Mordor. Or possibly the trolley up to the top of the city and then hike around the peak of the mountain. There are also trails along the river at Osgiliath I believe-” 

“I say Mordor!” interrupted Pippin “I must get out of this stifling place. I’ll go buy us some train tickets online. Think you can be ready soon?”

“Perfect! Just give me 15 to eat a quick lunch and I’ll be ready to go” 

The train was a relatively recent addition to Gondor’s transit system. Where before there had been only roads for horses and later for electric automobiles, there was now a high speed train line that spanned between Mordor and Rohan, connecting Gondor to its neighbors. Sadly, the train line for now did not go past Rohan or else Pippin would be using it to visit Frodo in Rivendell often.

As they walked the winding street down the mountain to Minas Tirith’s main gate, they passed Merry’s usual flower shop and Pippin’s favorite cafe. He told Merry about all the different types of teas they had there from all over the world. How he particularly enjoyed the unique flavor of a tea all the way from the Misty Mountains. Pippin loved how calming the ritual of drinking tea could be and he loved how it felt like you were travelling the world just by trying a new variety. 

By contrast, Merry absolutely loathed tea in all its many forms. It was much too bitter (even with the oft-recommended honey or sugar) and always made his stomach hurt. But he knew a decent amount about it considering--he was interested in things that could be categorized. It felt fun and like he could actually understand something for once and hold it in his mind. Pippin continued on about the most recent green tea he had tried.

“...And it was so good I actually bought a bag of it to take home. That’s what I’ve been drinking this week in the mornings...” he said cheerily, continuing on about the intricacies of making the tea. Merry smiled, loving how happy Pippin was talking about things he cared so much about. Much of the time he really didn’t understand what Pippin was saying but seeing his big goofy smile was more than worth the confusion. 

The pair arrived at the station with 15 minutes to spare, though it took them almost as long to find the platform and then two seats together. The train left the station and the golden Fields of Pelennor blurred as they seemed to run alongside the train. When Merry turned around, he could see the white city diminishing in the distance. The ride was exceptionally smooth and the two marvelled at how fast they sped along, neither having taken this newer train before. 

After a while, Merry became dizzy from seeing the poles that they passed at regular intervals. Something about the regularity of it stressed him out. The yellow fields turned brown as the train came to the next stop, Osgiliath. The town seemed older than Minas Tirith. But not in a quaint way, at least not to Merry. There was something creepy about it. Despite the sunny day, shadows covered the old stone streets while grotesque gargoyles perched on the tops of the thick-walled buildings. 

Out the window on the other side, Pippin was marvelling at the Anduin, the large river they were about to cross. The sunlight glistened on the fast-moving waters and little eddies circled along the bank. As the train went over the bridge, Merry saw two white egrets on the shore of the river.  _ That must be a good sign,  _ he thought a little self-consciously. Next the train stopped at Minas Morgul and after a while, they came to their destination, the Ephel Duath stop. This was also the last stop on the train as building a track that would get the train up over the mountains had proved difficult for years. 

The two boys stepped out. Pippin put his arms above his head and stretched.  _ Feels good to get some fresh air, _ he thought. There was really not much civilization at all. A synagogue on top of the hill. Before it were four or five houses along a narrow, curved track. The hamlet was on the foothills of Mordor that quickly gave way to the grey rock faces above. Merry marvelled at the leaves that were starting to turn. There were pockets of pumpkin orange and amber amid the cooler green trees. It was silent save for the footsteps of the couple other passengers making their way down the track, presumably on their way home or to visit relatives.

“Right! Where’s the trail then?” Pippin exclaimed suddenly. Merry was hurled out of his ponderings roughly.

“Oh, well, how should I know? It’s not like I’ve been here before  _ either _ , Pip” he snapped in a low voice, looking angrily at the other. Pippin gave a hurt expression. 

“I-I’m so sorry, Pippin,” Merry stammered, his voice and expression completely changed, “I really didn’t mean that.” Pippin said nothing but looked down and walked further ahead. Merry didn’t know what to do. He kicked himself for having reacted that way. He hadn’t had an episode like this with Pippin before and he was worried it would destroy their friendship. His instinct was to run after Pippin--apologize again. But he worried he would be doing it more for forgiveness than for Pippin’s sake. He knew Pippin didn’t have to forgive him. Merry should just sit with the veracity of what happened. 

He decided to stay where he was since Pippin clearly needed some space. He didn’t mean to but he ended up dissociating and stared at the ground. It was of light blue gravel and made him think of a zen rock garden. He found some small comfort in that. 

_ Where did that come from _ , Pippin thought,  _ I was just making conversation, I didn’t mean anything by it.  _ He continued walking up the one track towards the synagogue which seemed to be the only real landmark around. Pippin turned the corner on the track and was shocked to find a clear path entrance and a small display with a map. “Welcome to Mordor” was written in large black letters above the map of trails in the Ephel Duath. Pippin studied the map for a few minutes then ventured to the trailhead. 

He began walking on the brown dirt path, making to finish up the hike on his own, but something stopped him. He didn’t know where Merry was or if he was alright. And even though Pippin was still hurt, he didn’t like the idea of leaving him behind for potentially hours.  _ Guess I better go get him _ , he thought. Pippin took a deep breath and turned back towards the station. When he rounded the corner, there was Merry standing in the distance gripping his hand tightly and staring at the ground with his head down. 

“Found the trailhead. It’s just around that bend there,” Pippin announced hesitantly as he came up to him.

Merry looked up. “Oh really? That’s great!” he said trying to sound encouraging, “Um, do you still want me to come? I  _ really _ understand if not, I can hang here until the next train comes” 

“No, it’s alright, let’s go” Pippin said though he sounded a little defeated. They stood silently for a moment.

“I’m terribly sorry, Pippin. It’s my PTSD. If I get startled or something sometimes I just...change suddenly. I really don’t mean to...I’m not saying it as an excuse, I’m just trying to explain what happened. It’s not something I stand behind or meant at all. I’m sorry.” 

Merry hoped Pippin wouldn’t think less of him for his uglier symptoms. They were something he held a lot of shame about. But on some level what was done was done and Pippin may never trust him again. He knew Jamie wouldn’t have forgiven him. 

“Thanks for apologizing,” Pippin began, “I was a bit hurt to be honest...But I believe you that it wasn’t on purpose”

“No, not at all! And I promise I’m working on it,” Merry added “I’ve been going to a therapist for a few months and I hope that will help…” 

Pippin gave him a warm smile, “I understand. I forgive you” 

“Thank you!” Merry said earnestly. 

“Alright let’s get on this trail!” Pippin exclaimed. 

Pippin and Merry set off on the trail. The path was not wide enough for them to walk abreast in most places, so they walked single file with Merry taking the lead. The trail was of dirt littered with large brown tree roots and white quartz stones they gingerly walked over. Slowly they wound their way up the mountain which rose up steeply to their left and dropped off suddenly to their right. Down the incline, there were yellow, battered-looking birch trees. 

The two companions walked silently save for Merry’s occasional observations about the nature they were seeing. Growing up in Buckland next to the great forest and the river, Brandybucks ended up learning a good deal about the natural world. Merry enjoyed sharing his specialized knowledge with Pippin--he’d point out and identify the birds that he spotted with his keen eye or any unusual trees. Pippin was impressed by how much Merry knew and enjoyed learning new things as they went. 

Merry was enjoying himself. He felt freer being surrounded by trees rather than walls. There were great solid oaks and tall red chestnuts. It was all grander than anything he had seen in the Shire--though the hills, streams, and farm fields would always have a special place in his heart. 

Pippin thought about all the new sounds he was hearing. There was a loud knocking sound that seemed to be following them up the mountain. Merry informed him it was a woodpecker: “Probably a Pileated from the sound of it.” Pippin noticed the melodious rustling of leaves overhead and how the leaves were just starting to turn. He relished the oranges and yellows. He thought he could hear a murmuring stream far off in the distance. The mountain trail continued to get steeper and steeper. 

“Hold it! Hold on a minute,” called Pippin finally to his friend who was getting ahead. “I need a breather and to drink some water...how are you so fast?” Merry realized that he too was thirsty and drank some water from the blue metal bottle he had brought. The place where they stood had a beautiful view of the rolling foothills of green and blue below them. Pippin took the time to stretch a bit and Merry, although feeling self-conscious of copying, followed suit. He wasn’t as in touch with his body as Pippin always seemed to be. He admired that about his friend even if he was a tinge envious. Or, rather, he wasn’t so much envious himself, but it was exactly the kind of thing his parents would point out to him and note his clear inferiority. 

After a few minutes they restarted their hike. “How much longer were you thinking of going? I’m not quite tired yet but thought we ought to have a plan,” Pippin advised. Merry looked at the clock on his phone.  _ Hmm it’s getting on towards 5:00 _ , he thought,  _ and sunset should be around...7:00. And we’ve walked about a half hour… _ “Want to go for another half hour and then turn back? That should give us at least thirty minutes before sunset and it’ll all be downhill,” Merry offered. Pippin agreed and the two continued up the mountain. 

Pippin heard heavy footsteps coming from higher up on the trail. After a while, two dwarves with long braided hair and beards rounded the bend. 

“Hullo there!” one called. 

“Hello!” the hobbits answered, surprised to run into anyone else on the trail. 

“Lovely day for a stroll on the mountain, eh?” said the dwarf adjusting his large backpack. 

“Yes!” They both answered. “We’re just here on a short hike,” Pippin continued, trying to sound polite, “We came from Minas Tirith this afternoon.” 

“Did you come from Minas Tirith as well?” asked Merry. 

“Aye, that we did, laddie” responded the other dwarf. “Though before that we came from Moria. We wanted a chance to see the mountains while we were so close here in Gondor” 

“Lovely!” said Merry, “I’ve never been to Moria. I’ve heard it’s very interesting,” 

“Oh well then you’ll have to come some day, my good hobbit. The great halls are spellbinding as the bright light of day streams in and hits the glittering stones.” the dwarf said.

“I’m Lon by the way. And this is my friend Goni” he gestured to the other. “I’m Merry,” Merry said. “And I’m Pippin,” Pippin cheerfully piped in. 

“Well we best be going but it was good to meet you Merry and Pippin” Lon said, bowing. 

“Likewise!” 

“Yes!” said the hobbits in unison, flustered by the bow but quickly responding in kind. 

“Well they seemed nice,” said Pippin quietly after they had walked further on.

“Yes! I haven’t really had a chance to speak to many dwarves. There aren’t that many in Minas Tirith and those that are are usually just passing through. I wonder if there will be any in my humanities program.”

“There’s a few in the science department though none currently in either of my classes.”

“Interesting! Well, still better than us. Far as I can tell we’re the only hobbits in the whole school.” Merry laughed. 

“I guess there aren’t that many of us to begin with, and even fewer who decide to leave the Shire,” Pippin mused.

Eventually, the companions came to an old white marble statue. It had a tall rectangular base and above it was the form of a Man. But his head was missing. The hobbits wondered what king or warrior he had been. They looked around, but any inscription that had been on the statue’s base had long ago worn away.

As they went higher up the mountain, there were more evergreen trees and orange pine needles covered the trail and cushioned their footfalls. Merry loved the soft feeling of the needles. After a while he took out his phone again and noticed that it had indeed been a half hour. 

“Well, looks like it’s time to turn around,” he said dutifully. But the two were reluctant to turn back. They looked out over the view of the mountain range ahead and the foothills below. They could see the Anduin glittering in the sun. 

Merry felt full somehow. Full of a love not only for the place he was in, but the progress he had made in life the past few months. He was healing. And he was growing. He knew there would be many more obstacles to come, but he at last was beginning to feel like himself. Like he was a person at all. He looked at his companion and smiled. 

“Thanks for coming on this hike with me, Pippin. I really needed it and it was so lovely to come with you,” he said. 

“I-I had a good time too,” Pippin responded, “I often have a really good time with you. You make me feel... happy.” 

“You make me feel happy too,” said Merry.

Merry was filled with a desire to kiss Pippin. But at the same time, he didn’t know what he would want to do once that moment had passed and he felt it was a point of no turning back. Kisses had this terrible weight in Middle Earth. It felt like a contract that was supposed to mean the same thing to everyone and to be a sign that one was romantically and sexually interested in that person. 

_ I wish kisses could mean this loving, intimate, loyal thing _ , Merry thought,  _ I don’t want it to necessarily lead to anything else. _ But in Merry’s experience, it always did lead to something else: groping, invasion of physical and psychological privacy, a feeling of total non-separateness with the other person, expectations of further kisses, and sex. __

_ I want it to mean “I love you. I care about you. Your safety and well-being are of the utmost importance to me.” Like a pact of love and trust,  _ Merry thought. Merry realized it was such a specific desire, he’d really have to explain himself. He wondered if perhaps Pippin would be amenable to that or might even feel the same way. 

The moment stretched out. It was silent save for a robin singing in the distance. As the two continued to look out, Merry gathered his courage: 

“Pippin, I want to kiss you. And I know that can mean many things. It usually means you feel romantically towards a person. But to me it means I care about you and want you to feel safe and happy…and I love you. Would you like to?” 

Merry’s confidence immediately sank back into the earth and he was left feeling vulnerable, unreal, and ashamed. He looked down as he realized Pippin was silently judging him and his outburst. 

In truth, Pippin was trying to think quickly. It was so unexpected but at the same time it felt...right. The day was beautiful, they had just hiked up a mountain together. Pippin would be lying if he said he hadn’t considered it in the back of his mind. But he too was conflicted.  _ A kiss on the lips? That’s what people do when they’re dating! Is Merry asking me out?  _ But Pippin turned Merry’s words over in his mind and realized that was not what he was saying. This was unchartered territory for Pippin (and for Merry). But he wanted to kiss him and what he said had resonated. 

“Let’s try it,” he said after pondering all this for a few moments. Merry looked up, surprised. 

“Yeah? Ok” he responded hesitantly. He took a step towards Pippin and clasped both his hands. They were warm and soft. Then Merry kissed him. It was a very soft, sweet kiss and after a while they both melted into it. After a while, Merry pulled back. 

“Was that alright?” he asked, sounding concerned. Pippin grasped his face softly and kissed him. 

“Yes,” he whispered, smiling, “And I love you, too.”

Merry felt warm and his heart melted. He leaned his forehead onto Pippin’s and they stood like that for a while. Then they looked out over the valley. Merry put his left hand in Pippin’s right. They could see the clustered tops of trees below in greens, oranges, and yellows. Along them rose a steep indigo peak with some exposed silver rock faces. The mountain cast long shadows in the valley, and Merry became aware that it would soon be getting dark. 

“It’s a shame to go but it’ll be getting dark soon,” Merry ventured, “Shall we head back?”

“No,” said Pippin. Merry was confused and a little shocked. But Pippin leaned in slowly, and, waiting for a sign from Merry that it was alright, kissed him lightly on the lips. “Ok,  _ now _ I’m ready,” Pippin added. Merry laughed.

The two turned and started down the mountain, traipsing over blankets of burnt orange pine needles. Merry had enjoyed kissing Pippin very much. But he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  _ This sort of thing never ends well for me _ , Merry thought,  _ I hope he won’t treat me differently now.  _ The two went on for some time in silence, their footfalls becoming louder as they returned to the dirt path.

“You know who else we don’t see much of?” Pippin asked suddenly.

“What?” asked Merry, unsure of what Pippin was talking about.

“Elves!”

“Ohhh. There’s just one professor in the humanities department I know of--Professor Arwen. She occasionally teaches Elvish and I think a few other classes”

“Did you know, I think she and Professor Aragorn in the Earth Sciences division are married?”

“I had no idea!”

“Oh! My friend Frodo is studying Elvish right now. He’s staying in Rivendell at the moment.”

“I’ve heard Rivendell is beautiful! I’d really love to go there”

“It looks really nice in the Fall. Frodo’s been posting a lot of pictures of it. He also has an account of just fountain pen handwriting in Elvish. I could show you when we get back if you’d like to see it?”

“I’d love to! G-d I wish I knew Elvish. I wish I knew a  _ lot _ of languages. I’m supposed to be studying Rohirric for the first time this quarter. I haven’t studied a language in almost 10 years and I’m worried I’ll be really bad at it.”

“You? No, I’m sure you’ll do great”

“Thanks” 

Merry gave Pippin a warm smile. It seemed his friend was treating him normally after all. They passed the marble statue and continued along the trail. It was faster going downhill, but with the thick cover of trees, it was starting to get darker than Merry had anticipated. Still, hobbits have keen eyes and they made their way among the roots and stones on the trail.  _ The dwarves must have known how dark it would get soon and that’s why they were heading back so early,  _ Merry thought, internally scolding himself. 

He was expecting to be held accountable for this like he would have at home. But Pippin didn’t seem like he was about to blame him or yell at him so he relaxed a little. Merry looked out. The last of the sun was still hitting the Anduin, reflecting off it like so many fireflies. Eventually they came far enough down that they were closer to the foothills than the mountain ridges above. 

“Hey, look!” called Pippin as he pointed ahead. There was the trailhead and the sign with the map. The sun finally set behind them, leaving a thick line of orange and pink clouds just above the purple mountains. 

The two companions made their way past the synagogue on top of the hill. It was white with brown shingles. There were a few yellow lights on the outside keeping it lit, but there seemed to be no one inside.  _ I suppose they don’t start Havdalah for another hour _ , thought Merry.  _ Or maybe the congregation is too small to meet for it.  _ The hamlet was silent. Or at least it seemed so until Merry and Pippin had reached the base of the gravel path close to the train station. Across from it they could hear the sounds of voices and of a fiddle. It was a tavern. 

“So that’s where everyone is,” noted Pippin. Merry was inclined to go in, realizing how hungry he was. But he remembered the time and the limited number of trains. 

“We should find out when the next train is,” he said. Pippin had already started towards the tavern. He let out a sigh “Oh, I suppose you’re right.”


	4. A Horrible Confession

Merry was angry. He was SO angry. He was sick of himself for missing Jamie again. They had been together 5 years. Tomorrow would have been their 6 year anniversary. He put on some music that hit close to home. He stormed around the apartment with his headphones in and was singing along. 

But it hurt his voice so much. Merry’s voice had been injured for years and years. An unholy combination of self-harming by screaming at the top of his lungs for minutes that probably put nodes on his vocal cords as well as many years of acid reflux issues. Another lovely inheritance from his mother. Add hormone replacement therapy and it really just hurt to talk at all most days. 

_ We grew up together,  _ Merry thought,  _ she helped me escape my abusive family. She came out to me years before she came out to anyone else. We slowly swapped genders. For years, she was the only good part of my life.  _ He felt pathetic for even thinking that but it was true.  _ How could she just leave me like I never meant anything to her. Jamie was the closest friend I ever had _ . 

Merry finished singing (he had finished an album minus the song that made him cry last time he listened to it and all his favorite songs from another artist). He sat down, realized the date, and cried.  _ It’s really not my night, _ thought Merry. It didn’t help that he was on his period despite having taken medication to stop it. And to make matters worse, he was clearly having some sort of reaction to the progesterone. His hands had been shaking all day and he felt ill whenever he stood up. 

Peony meanwhile had watched the whole thing and he thought she looked rather concerned. Luckily Pippin was out late at the biology lab and didn’t have to see him like this. At the same time, Merry wished Pippin could comfort him in this moment. But he didn’t know if they really knew each other that well or if he was being repulsive in some way through his interactions. He had often been told he was too bold, too mean, too loud, too much. He didn’t want to drive his new friend away. 

But on some level relationships only felt “right” if they were all encompassing. If he could think of no one else but them. If they would die if he died and he would die if they died. Merry knew in his mind that this was wrong. That it was a product of unhealthy attachment with his mother who felt the same way. 

She never let him have boundaries. He didn’t even get to have a door. He wasn’t allowed to make noise as an infant or she would shake him and drop him. He couldn’t talk to friends over text very much or relax too long. There was no boundary he could set that wouldn’t be seen as an attack. Thus he never learned that boundaries could exist to begin with. 

Merry was ashamed beyond belief of it, but he had made it very hard for Jamie to have boundaries as well. Merry had never intended to hurt her, but he had. He insisted they call every night when she didn’t want to. He would even guilt her into cuddling when she didn’t want to. He never felt like himself when he did these things. In fact, he almost never felt like himself when he was around her. He’d always just...switch. 

At his worst he would hold her down while cuddling so she couldn’t leave when she wanted to. Merry did this more times than he could count. His worst memory of all was of snapping into dissociation. He didn’t actually remember what happened. He just came to as he was holding her face. There was a wound on her lip and he didn’t even remember what he’d done. He must have punched her or squeezed her face very hard. 

It happened one more time after the break up. Merry remembered pockets of it. He remembered screaming and having his arm around her trying to get her phone. He bit her on the back then somehow they were in a different room and she said something about this proving he was a man and then as the two of them came near the door he came to again and started crying his eyes out. He was finally himself again and he felt this unbelievable guilt and shame. 

_ I’m a fucking monster _ , Merry thought playing this all on repeat for the millionth time,  _ no wonder she broke up with me and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m a terrible person. I can’t even believe I did that.  _ Merry didn’t tell anyone about what he’d done because he was afraid that none of his friends would ever speak to him again.  _ And I’d deserve it _ , he thought. 

Since the breakup, Merry had apologized earnestly several times. He wasn’t trying to get her to forgive him. He just felt so terrible about all he’d done and wanted her to know he regretted it and to ask if there was anything at all he could do to help. She always said no. 

After he moved out, they almost never spoke and Merry just wanted to stay out of her life. Even though she said she wanted to be friends, she had made it clear after the breakup that she wouldn’t treat him like one. She blamed him for his own suicidality. She talked about him behind his back and turned some of Merry’s friends against him. She didn’t really treat him like a person. After many months, he finally accepted that they weren’t friends.

After he moved out, Merry felt like himself again. Or maybe for the first time. He didn’t dissociate nearly as much. He felt in control and that’s when he really started to take charge in his life. After being forced into some very uncomfortable living situations in Minas Tirith, Merry got accepted into the University there and made some new friends and eventually moved in with Pippin whom he barely knew at the time. That was just four months ago. Thinking this all over, Merry sat alone on the bed for a few hours just staring at the wall. 

~~~

Merry was feeling suicidal. It was slight enough that he didn’t think it was even worth mentioning to himself. But he did. It felt like a deep feeling of drowning, but being too weak to struggle and just letting happen. Sinking slowly down and down. The light goes from white to light blue to indigo. The water pressure was squeezing his head. His lungs felt crushed. He wondered if it would be alright to just sit there in that space for a while. 

He heard a noise and was snapped slightly out of the drowning feeling. He felt agitated and like he was dirty and disgusting. His throat still hurt tremendously. Merry realized that the sound he heard was Pippin coming in the front door.  _ Oh thank G-d _ , Merry thought. Merry’s need to not be alone won out over his intense feelings of social anxiety and he came to the living room. Pippin was leaning in front of the fridge putting groceries away. 

“Hello!” said Merry. 

“Hi!” 

“How was...um how was the lab?”

“Well. You’re not gonna believe this,” Pippin turned to his friend, having put the last of the perishables away. “We had been working for 3 hours (which feels like 10 hours when you’re with Gandalf). We were just about to run a second test when Professor Aragorn burst through the door and disrupted the whole thing. Saying something about needing Gandalf urgently and this and that. He and Saruman were just standing in the doorway looking very dodgy and wouldn’t really say what this was all about. So then Gandalf left me in charge of the whole thing even though this was not the class I am assisting with, I’m just a student. So all my classmates were giving me stares and side eyes thinking I was getting too uppity. But  _ I  _ didn’t want to be in charge, Gandalf just  _ told _ me to. Well, anyway after they all left we were about to run the test finally, but someone noticed that Aragorn slamming open the door had altered some of the instruments. So we had to recalibrate the whole thing. Ughhhhhh. Anyway,  _ that _ is the story of why I am arriving home now at midnight” 

Merry tried very hard to listen. He cared so much about making sure his friend felt heard. But his face suddenly felt like it was on fire and tears began clouding his vision. 

“Oh, Merry! What’s wrong?” Pippin asked, crossing the room to him. 

“I don’t know I’m sorry. I don’t mean to interrupt your story,” Merry stammered. 

“No, no you’re alright.” Pippin said softly trying to sound reassuring 

“I-I did something really bad, Pippin,” Merry said between sobs now, “And I can’t tell anyone and I feel so bad that I just want the feeling to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just can’t do this. Everything’s wrong and people are hurting all around the world and I want to help but I know it won’t really do anything and it’s all just going to get worse…” he trailed off, realizing how much he was spinning out. He felt sick to his stomach. 

“Nothing feels real anymore, Pippin,” he said, looking up. “When I talk to my friends they all seem...far away. Like I can’t reach them. Even here with you right now. It’s-it’s like you’re not really here. I can’t feel you. I just...I’ve been struggling with this feeling so long I just want to let go and make it stop,” Merry finished. Talking it out, Merry finally understood that this was the crux of what he had been feeling for months now. 

“Oh, Merry, it’s going to be alright.” Pippin reassured, “Here let’s go sit down.” 

They made their way over to the couch. Pippin went away and came back with a box of tissues and a glass of water. 

“Thanks-” Merry barely got the word out before breaking out into tears again. “Why are you being so nice to me, Pippin, don’t you know what I’ve done?” he demanded, almost furious. Pippin only blinked at him, confused. 

“I hit my girlfriend, Pippin. I hit her. At least three separate times. She had a cut on her lip that stayed there for weeks. She never trusted me after that. I-i-” he broke off crying again. 

_ No, you fool, don’t manipulate him into thinking you’re some innocent victim acting all upset. Like it actually bothered you. You’re mad at Jamie, you don’t even feel that bad about it, you just know you’re supposed to so you’re making a big deal out of it,  _ a voice in his head seethed. Merry couldn’t meet Pippin’s eyes and time seemed to stand still for him. A whirring anxiety filled his chest. He had never told anyone this before. 

Pippin was very taken aback by all this.

“Why, Merry?”

“I don’t know. I never meant it or planned it. It just happened. If something really stressful between us happened, I’d get overwhelmed and upset but then sort of black out. And I wouldn’t realize I’d done it until it was over,”  _ You didn’t black out, you must just be remembering it wrong, _ the voice said. _ But I hardly remember it at all,  _ Merry complained.  _ How is that possible _ , countered the voice. Merry was disgusted with himself. 

“I’m so sorry, Pippin. I didn’t mean to do it. I wish I could take it back. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” slowly Merry dissolved into tears and couldn’t say any more.  _ You’re a fucking monster. No wonder she hates you now. She absolutely should. _

Pippin stood silent for a long time. This was it. He must have lost any and all faith in Merry as a person. And he’d have every right to. Merry knew this was the kind of thing that could never be forgiven. He must have meant it. He hurt someone. Someone he loved more than anything in the world. No one held a gun to his head. He did it on his own. 

Then Pippin placed his hand on Merry’s shoulder. “I know you’re a good person,” he said slowly, “even if you’ve done some bad things”. Merry wanted to shout  _ You’re wrong! Everyone else would think I was evil.  _ But instead he said, “I’m scared I meant it, Pippin. That I did it on purpose all along” 

“Did you?” 

“No. But s-sometimes it felt good. Like she would finally understand me. Even if for a second. She’d have to listen to me” he looked down, ashamed of himself. “Pippin, I’m so sorry. I’m a terrible person. I know I should be saying sorry to her again but I already have so many times and I-I don’t want to bother her. It’ll just put her through the pain of it again remembering. And she’ll never really forgive me and she shouldn’t...” He trailed off. After a moment, he looked up at his friend. 

“Do you hate me now?” Merry asked in a small voice. He was terrified of the answer. He loved Pippin. But if anything could make someone lose all trust and love for a person it was this. 

Pippin stood quietly for a moment. “No,” Pippin said finally, “I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all,”

Merry cried again, but the tears felt different this time. He hadn’t expected Pippin to be so kind and understanding. “Can I please hug you?” Merry asked. Pippin nodded.

“I’m so sorry. I’ll be better. I’ll try, I’ll try,” Merry continued. Pippin patted his back and rested his head on Merry’s shoulder. 

“I know. You’re sorry for what you did, right?”

“Yes, more than anything else ever in my life”

“And you apologized to her and worked on never doing it again, right?”

“Y-yes”

“Then you’re doing the right thing. You can’t change the past but you can’t stay wrapped up in it either.”

Merry continued to cry then and they kept holding each other tightly for a long time. 


End file.
